Darling Evie Flora,
You are 3 months old. It is hard to believe that much time has passed since I saw your dear little squishy face for the first time, but you also seem to have been part of our family forever.
I adore you. There’s no other word that will do; adoration is what wells up inside me when I gaze into your astonishing navy eyes and watch them crinkle up into a smile. Nanny says you have such smiley eyes, and you really do. Your whole face gets involved when you smile; you really throw yourself into them, much to the admiration of everyone around you.
You are quite generous with your smiles, and bestow them graciously on anyone who comes to tickle your cheek and gurgle at you. This especially endears you to people in shops and at your big sister’s kinder and I happily bask in your reflected popularity. How clever I feel to have produced such a magnetic baby!
You have accomplished many things this month, including rolling from your tummy to your back, laughing, cooing and ‘talking’ up a storm and sleeping all night with just one feed! Well, the sleeping one only just happened last night, but very exciting all the same. You also hold your head and back up very strongly when you are on your tummy and you are trying hard to roll from your back to your tummy, but so far you can only make it onto your side. I don’t think it will be long though...
Unfortunately, you have to spend a fair bit of time in the car taking your sister to her new kinder, and you really do not appreciate this. You cry and cry, even though we got you a special purple dummy for car trips. You seem to quite like the dummy, but you will only have it in your mouth if someone is holding it there; as soon as the supporting hand is taken away, you immediately spit it out. Then you cry in a heartbreaking way.
We are finding ways to make it easier though. If I feed you and make sure you are rested and comfortable then you are often quite happy to sit in your car seat and look around. Abi chats to you and tells you not to worry, and you gaze interestedly at her and coo back. I am so sorry you have to be in the car so much, my darling one. I try to make the one-on-one time we have during kinder special enough to make up for all the driving.
I will finish this letter now, but I want to tell you that the best moment of my day is when I snuggle into bed with you tucked under my arm, or curled into my stomach, listening to your gentle sighs and breathing in the delectable scent rising from your little baldy head.
Oh my baby, my little love.
Love
Mummy
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Letters to my girls
Darling little Evangeline Flora,
My little peach-girl, if we were Japanese I would have called you Momoko. As soon as you were born and I saw your dear little round face with its light covering of the softest of down I christened you my peach-perfect baby. I will never ever forget how blessed and joy-filled I felt on that day you were born and I could finally hold you in my arms. If I could keep only two days in my life, it would be the days you and your sister came into the world.
I am a little late with your first monthly letter, but I am just sneaking in before your Daddy writes your two month one. You have been such a wonderful little baby right from the beginning with your early smiles (three weeks) and your generally good night-sleeping. We have just had a few feeding problems - I think you are just too impatient to wait for your milk and it often makes you cross. We spent a couple of weeks feeding you Mummy's milk from a bottle, but we have stopped that now as I was worried you were getting much too keen on the fast-flowing plastic container...
So after a bumpy start, our breastfeeding relationship is improving and I know it will continue to get better as you get bigger and stronger. Your big sister has become resigned to sharing and likes to hold your hand and stroke your cheek as you both nurse in the early morning.
We think your eyes are going to be blue, but they are very dark - almost navy in some lights. At first we thought they might be brown like your Daddy's, but they seem to have settled into a very beautiful deep blue. You don't really look much like your sister or me, even though you have the same cupid's bow lips and dimpled chin. I think maybe you will look more like your daddy although you have the Goldie dimples when you smile. One thing you have definitely inherited from Daddy is a particular expression where you stare with huge eyes off to one side with your little mouth hanging open in what looks like puzzlement. My funny little thing.
And do you smile! Such a smiley little girl, especially when you first wake up. You hardly ever wake up crying, I know you are waking up when you start to wriggle and grunt like a little piglet. Then I pick you up and kiss your fragrant little cheek while you smile and continue wriggling energetically. I have even heard you chuckle in your sleep and I don't think it will be long before you add laughing to your adorable coo-ing noises.
Right now you are fast asleep on our shared bed with the fan going as it has been horribly hot and humid the last few days. This makes things difficult as you like to be with Mummy in the Hugabub or the Kozy, but then you just get too hot which makes you sad. So I put you down, and that makes you sad too. Most days you are very happy except when it is time for dinner, then you get a bit whingy and Daddy says, 'it must be Crank O'Clock again'.
I am going to finish now, my little love. Thank you for making our family complete.
Love
Mummy
Dear Abigail Pearl, the almost-three-year-old girl,
Oh my darling darling girl, you are nearly three. Three! I remember when you were three months and Daddy and I were enrolling you at your kinder, three years old seemed impossibly far away and grown-up. But, here we are and my love for you increases with everything new you do and learn.
It is hard to fit a year's worth of growth into one letter. This year you continued coming to work with me and you started attending music on a Wednesday with Daddy. You continued learning to talk, ask questions, disagree and describe how you were feeling. (Mummy, I a bit sad, I need a tuddle). You had your first Easter eggs, fell in love with your Auntie Lucy, looked forward to Christmas and became a big sister.
Sometimes I look at you and cannot believe such beauty can exist, especially, I'm sorry to say, when you are a bit sick as when your perfect pearly skin is flushed with fever you look completely ravishing. You like dressing up as a fairy now, and sometimes go shopping that way which causes you a few problems as everyone likes to talk to you about how lovely you look, but you are still working on becoming comfortable talking to people you don't know. Usually you ask me to help you and I say what you want to say for you. I know it won't be long before you are able to chat away to anyone you want to.
Soon you will be starting kinder and you are looking forward to it very much. You often talk to Daddy and me about all the things you will do, like learn to mit (knit), paint, count, cut up fruit and make lots of new friends. You always say that you will give your new friends "ots and ots of tuddles" - what lucky children, to have such a loving little girl as a friend. You know that Mummy will drop you off and come and pick you up later, and you seem very confident, but I am anticipating a few tears in our early weeks.
I am feeling sad and happy about kinder. Happy because I know it is a beautiful place for you to learn and grow and begin to make your own way, but sad because it is the end of our exlusive time together. Now you will start to move away from me into a brave new world of other children and wonderful teachers who will influence you during your next stage of growth. This is as it should be, but I have loved every moment of your first three years when you believed the sun rose and set with Mummy. You are such wonderful company, from our shared cup of tea/hot chocolate when we first get up, to when we snuggle up telling stories and singing songs at bedtime. And all the times in between when we sit together in cafes, go to the library, play in the park or you help me with the laundry, cleaning in the bathroom or washing windows.
It is time to start letting you go, but I will always always have you in my heart, because you are my heart. I love you effortlessly and forever with every breath and every dream.
Love
Mummy
Thursday, January 28, 2010
How to keep up?
Oh, not managing very well to keep this updated. cannot face typing one handed and almost always have small breastfeeding infant taking up one arm at present. Right now she is asleep in hugabub, but may wake up at any moment. I would also like to fit in a toilet stop at some stage, but such is my commitment to my small but select audience that here I am writing instead.
Right now, DH is still mostly at home, so am very much enjoying having him and his help with active toddler-type. Inf act, I have to say that I am finding the transition from one to two much easier than from zero to one. Partly because Evie is an easier baby than Abi was (apart from some feeding difficulties, more on that later) but I think it's just more about attitude. For example; I expect that Evie will sleep during the day in the sling or with me, when I can put her down in her rocker or on the bed, it's a bonus. And I never bother timing how long she's been asleep or trying to resettle her. Whereas with Abi, I expected she would sleep in her basket for a couple of hours at a time, so when she didn't and I had to carry her, it felt like an imposition. As DH said, I've already basically given up my life, so what's one more?
Of course, Evie isn't even six weeks yet, so still plenty of time for it all to go to crap, but right now...I'd say pretty cruisy really.
Except for - and this is a big exception - breastfeeding has been unexpectedly tricky. In spite of her perfect birth and great latch from the beginning, not to mention no jaundice and a healthy term baby, she didn't really put on any weight for the first three weeks. The MCHN couldn't understand it and neither could I - she latched well, seemed to be swallowing, wasn't fussy and unsettled during the day...what was going on? The nurse advised me to express feeds into a bottle to check my supply and ensure she was actually getting full feeds to see what happened. She terrified me by saying there could be some kind of metabolic disorder that was stopping her from processing her milk properly. Cue panicked weeping.
I really didn't think there was anything basically wrong with her, in spite of my panic, but I was worried obviously and spent the next four days milking myself like a cow as it seemed to work quicker than my hand pump. Next weigh in found that she had put on 220g in four days - massive sigh of relief from all concerned. So since then I've hired an electric pump from my ABA group and we have been doing a mix of EBM feeds and breast. She put on another 200g in the next week, so we have gone to basically breastfeeds in the morning and overnight with two or three bottles in the afternoon. We have another weigh-in next week, if she has continued to put on weight - and I think she has - then we'll try phasing out the bottles altogether, if she's stalled a bit then I'm going to look into a SNS line.
She is definitely more difficult to feed than Abi. Abi would attach wherever, whenever, not fussy about positions, just drained the breast and then came off when she was finished. Evie definitely prefers the right side, likes me to sit up, gets annoyed when the milk isn't flowing really quickly and requires me to do hand-compressions and comes on and off. Part of this may well be being made worse by the bottle feeds, which is why I'm keen to get rid of them. I'm also taking her for a craniosacral adjustment next week, so I'm hoping that will help with her endurance and maybe work on any stiffness issues she has from her fast passage into the world.
So we are working hard and I'm proud of my commitment. I also have a much greater understanding of breastfeeding difficulties and how it feels to not be able to feed your baby. This should stand me in good stead when I eventually qualify as an ABA breastfeeding cousellor.
See look! Looks like perfect breastfeeding doesn't it?
Ooh, baby waking. More pics later.
Right now, DH is still mostly at home, so am very much enjoying having him and his help with active toddler-type. Inf act, I have to say that I am finding the transition from one to two much easier than from zero to one. Partly because Evie is an easier baby than Abi was (apart from some feeding difficulties, more on that later) but I think it's just more about attitude. For example; I expect that Evie will sleep during the day in the sling or with me, when I can put her down in her rocker or on the bed, it's a bonus. And I never bother timing how long she's been asleep or trying to resettle her. Whereas with Abi, I expected she would sleep in her basket for a couple of hours at a time, so when she didn't and I had to carry her, it felt like an imposition. As DH said, I've already basically given up my life, so what's one more?
Of course, Evie isn't even six weeks yet, so still plenty of time for it all to go to crap, but right now...I'd say pretty cruisy really.
Except for - and this is a big exception - breastfeeding has been unexpectedly tricky. In spite of her perfect birth and great latch from the beginning, not to mention no jaundice and a healthy term baby, she didn't really put on any weight for the first three weeks. The MCHN couldn't understand it and neither could I - she latched well, seemed to be swallowing, wasn't fussy and unsettled during the day...what was going on? The nurse advised me to express feeds into a bottle to check my supply and ensure she was actually getting full feeds to see what happened. She terrified me by saying there could be some kind of metabolic disorder that was stopping her from processing her milk properly. Cue panicked weeping.
I really didn't think there was anything basically wrong with her, in spite of my panic, but I was worried obviously and spent the next four days milking myself like a cow as it seemed to work quicker than my hand pump. Next weigh in found that she had put on 220g in four days - massive sigh of relief from all concerned. So since then I've hired an electric pump from my ABA group and we have been doing a mix of EBM feeds and breast. She put on another 200g in the next week, so we have gone to basically breastfeeds in the morning and overnight with two or three bottles in the afternoon. We have another weigh-in next week, if she has continued to put on weight - and I think she has - then we'll try phasing out the bottles altogether, if she's stalled a bit then I'm going to look into a SNS line.
She is definitely more difficult to feed than Abi. Abi would attach wherever, whenever, not fussy about positions, just drained the breast and then came off when she was finished. Evie definitely prefers the right side, likes me to sit up, gets annoyed when the milk isn't flowing really quickly and requires me to do hand-compressions and comes on and off. Part of this may well be being made worse by the bottle feeds, which is why I'm keen to get rid of them. I'm also taking her for a craniosacral adjustment next week, so I'm hoping that will help with her endurance and maybe work on any stiffness issues she has from her fast passage into the world.
So we are working hard and I'm proud of my commitment. I also have a much greater understanding of breastfeeding difficulties and how it feels to not be able to feed your baby. This should stand me in good stead when I eventually qualify as an ABA breastfeeding cousellor.
See look! Looks like perfect breastfeeding doesn't it?
Ooh, baby waking. More pics later.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Into my arms
The birth story of Evangeline Flora
At exactly 40 weeks, on the 18th of December, I had a craniosacral therapy appointment to get everything pelvic related in tip-top condition for the birth. I didn’t really have any signs apart from my continuing Braxton-Hicks, so I wasn’t expecting anything to happen very soon. At my 40 week midwife appointment the midwife explained that if nothing had happened by my 41 w 3 day appointment they would do a stretch and sweep and then another two days later. I would also be booked into for an induction at 42 weeks, but the midwife said judging from all the Braxton Hicks etc she didn’t think I’d make it to the next appointment anyway.
I still had niggling thoughts that during my hospital stay with Abi I had also had all the same Braxton-Hicks - I’d get a series of them, some quite strong, and then they’d just fade away. I had this superstition that my body just didn’t know how to go into labour and that the same thing would happen with this baby. I realised that I needed to address this kind of thinking so I spent a bit of time each day trying to do affirmations like “My body knows what to do to birth this baby”.
Anyway, at the CS appointment, my therapist said as she was working on my pelvis “Hmm, I’m getting Tuesday. Yes, Tuesday the 22nd, a very powerful number in numerology. I’m going to predict that this baby will come on Tuesday.”
Sounded good to me. Still a few days before Christmas and comfortably both full-term and well away from any need for medical induction. So I decided to focus on that day during my relaxation and visualisation sessions. I hadn’t been doing them every night, but tried to at least every second night. I can’t say I had much faith in the efficacy of this plan, but had nothing to lose by trying.
On Monday night poor DH had a migraine, the last in a long series of illnesses which had been stressing us both as we really needed him to be healthy. He went to bed early and I stayed up watching a movie. I noticed my Braxton Hicks were hanging around and I decided to time them over the course of the movie to see what they did. I worked out they were coming every 8-10 minutes, not particularly strong, but they did continue for the length of the movie. I started to get excited but kept admonishing myself to stay calm, stay calm, it could easily all fade away.
The movie finished and I got into bed with my trusty iPod to listen to music, podcasts, relaxation stuff, whatever would help me stay relaxed as per my Calmbirth class. I kept timing the BH, which I was trying to remember to call surges and they continued at approx 9 minute intervals, sometimes more, sometimes less. Some were starting to feel a bit stronger now, but I managed to doze off sometime after midnight. I discovered the next morning that DH could hear the iPod and was lying there wondering if I was in labour but not wanting to wake him up.
Next morning, surges still there, still around 8 minutes apart and not especially troublesome. I told DH about them and said if he could entertain Abi I would make some cereal and sit on the computer for a while so I could time them. During this time they moved to around 7 minutes apart, but still not completely regular. I was starting to feel them around the back now and was becoming more convinced that yes! this is it! Here I am going into spontaneous labour, whooo! I made breakfast for DH and Abi and then rang mum and dad to let them know what was going on. Mum felt I was in early labour but that it would be a while yet and they would make their way up to our house from their place at the beach, arriving in a couple of hours or so. It was about 9am by this stage, maybe a bit before.
I suggested DH take Abi to the park for a play and I would have a bath. He was a bit worried about leaving me, but they took the car and his phone, so I knew they would get back quickly when I needed them. So off they went and I lay in the bath reading a magazine and excitedly noting that the surges were coming closer together and feeling more intense. Our baby was finally going to make an appearance! I spent about 40 minutes in the bath and then decided to get out and ring my sister who was going to come and help look after Abi.
She was very excited and asked me if I thought she should set off now or when my parents arrived. I thought about it for a while and said, no, she should come now, as I knew it would take her around 45 mins - 1hr to get here. In retrospect I am very glad I said for her to leave straight away...
I got dressed in a glamourous labour outfit of old exercise shorts and a faded black singlet. I then went upstairs to inflate my exercise ball which took a little while and which I kind of wished I’d done the day before, but who knew? I also thought I’d better ring the birth centre to give them the heads up, which I did. The surges were getting stronger now and I found it was most comfortable to get on my hands and knees and rock my pelvis a little bit through them. Still quite managable though, and I started doing my Calmbirth breathing through them, just to keep in practice. The birth centre midwife asked me a few questions about the regularity of the surges (between 4 and 7 minutes at this stage) and said to stay home as long as I was comfortable and to let them know how it was going a bit later.
It must have been about 10am at this stage, maybe a bit before. I went up onto my exercise ball and sat on it for a while, staring out of the window between surges and trying to stay relaxed and focussed. I could really feel the surges right around the back and front now and was having to concentrate to breathe through them, finding it most comfortable if I knelt down and hugged the exercise ball while they were going on.
The surges had settled into a more regular pattern now and I timed a few, noting they were pretty much 4 minutes apart. I was still reasonably comfortable, but I decided to ring DH and ask him to come home - I wanted him around to bring me water and things. He said he’d be right there and I grabbed my iPod with all my special labour music (Leonard Cohen, Tom Waits and Nick Cave - somehow I felt all those deep male voices were what I’d need) and listened to a song or two. After all the trouble I went to to select them all, I think I listened to about four songs altogether.
DH and Abi soon arrived back and DH brought me my specially procured lime water and then asked me what I needed. I told him I’d just continue on my own upstairs until I thought we should go and that Mum and Dad and Lucy were on their way. Back to my friend the excercise ball I went.
I could hear DH and Abi chatting away and playing downstairs. Abi wanted to come and see me, but DH was telling her our new baby was coming and Mummy needed to work very hard for a while. She seemed pretty cheerful about this and I loved hearing her chirpy little voice as I laboured.
By about 10.45 the surges were getting really intense and quite painful. Even leaning over the exercise ball wasn’t helping anymore and I had a few moments of panic about “how bad is this going to get? How am I going to cope? etc etc” This is where the Calmbirth preparation I had done really came into its own. I can’t say it made the pain go away or anything, but it allowed me to pull my mind back to concentrating on one surge at a time and not thinking about what was coming next. I kept doing the breathing, but it wasn’t flowing particularly naturally so I may have stopped thinking about it at that point.
I felt like I needed to be able to relax my legs more and as sitting on the ball felt uncomfortable I remembered hearing that sitting on the toilet was often the most comfortable position so I decided to give that a go. I went downstairs again, passing DH on the way and telling him they were getting pretty painful now and could he please ring my sister to find out where she was. I went and sat on the toilet and it did feel more comfortable, but now things really started getting serious. Pretty soon I started to make a fair bit of noise and DH was getting worried; he told me my sister was about 10 minutes away, which I was very relieved to hear. I told him to ring the birth centre and tell them we’d be coming in soon.
He got on the phone and was relaying questions to me through the door as I refused to leave the small, dark haven of the toilet. I think I was well into transition by this stage and felt totally taken over, but managing to ride the waves and stay ‘in my body’ rather than in my head. I was acting completely instinctively, vocalising when I needed to and getting up and down during surges, holding on desperately to the doorknob. A phrase a friend used about her labour came into my mind - she said it got to a point that she was climbing the walls - and I thought in a lucid moment that that was an excellent description of what was going on.
My poor Abi could hear all of this and became very distressed, I could hear her screaming “Mummy, come out here! Come out here!” and crying and crying. Poor DH was trying to talk to the midwife on the phone, and in the middle of all this I started feeling very pushy. I reached down between my legs and wiped with toilet paper to see that I had finally had a bloody show. Reported this to DH and then on the next push contraction my waters broke.
I can remember the deep, involuntary noises I was making and even there right in the middle of it all I was thinking, ‘wow, so you really can’t stop, it really is all automatic.’ My first induced labour was so different, I never really got to go into my body, I was all in my head with so much fear, and then I had an epidural so I never felt that amazing sensation of my body just taking over and doing everything itself.
I think my sister arrived at that point, I can remember her cheery “Hi!” at the front door and then a shocked silence as she heard what was going on. She quickly took Abi outside and I could hear Abi was immediately fine and chatting away, so that was one stress eliminated. DH had got off the phone at this point and was trying to get me out of the toilet so we could get in the car and go to the hospital. There was just no way I could have done that at that point, he may as well have been suggesting a quick 10km run before setting off.
I had another voice in my head which was my Calmbirth instructor saying “In the case of a precipitous birth, if you feel as though you are pushing and you can’t stop then Do Not Get In The Car. Call an ambulance.” So I called through the door in a break between surges, “the baby’s coming, you need to call an ambulance.” God knows what DH was going through at that point, but he duly called 000 and explained what was going on. I remember I was saying “Oh god, oh no, oh god, oh no” during each surge and just feeling those incredibly powerful pulses as my body pushed.
DH started telling me I had to get off the toilet, as the 000 operator was telling him it wasn’t safe for the baby, perfectly reasonably, who wants to make an entrance via a toilet? I still couldn’t really respond properly and as our toilet is small enough for someone inside to keep their knee against the door, he was completely helpless. I started to get a bit more of a break between surges though, and I realised that yes, I needed to get off the toilet and I opened the door and DH lifted me off the toilet. However I then said “Oh, another one’s coming and got back on the toilet and shut the door in his face, sending him back to ground zero.
I did get off again though and DH was still on the phone, the operator asking if I could feel the head, which I couldn’t at that stage, just softness when I pushed which I remember I was worried about as I thought I should feel the head, remembering how Abi went back and forth for a while before crowning. I got down on my hands and knees, DH went to look for a mirror, couldn’t find one, and when he came back I was in the middle of another big push, felt a stretching I think and then saw and felt a head emerge! I heard DH saying, ‘Oh the baby’s crowned!” and I was impressed by his terminology and I also remember hazily thinking, okay that’s the hard part done. The 000 operator had told him to get me to lie down to slow things down and he was dragging a mattress out, but I said sharply for him to stop, there was no way I was going to lie down. Next surge and push and my little girl slipped into my waiting hands. I saw that she was a girl and she had her eyes open and a look of surprise on her dear little squishy face. She gave a little grumbly cry, nothing like the extended screaming that Abi did, and turned pink so I knew she was okay. Time was abot 11.30, so active labour of an hour and a half.
I was laughing and crying and saying “Look! Look what I did!” and DH was wrapping us up in blankets and towels, as I knew the most important thing was that she not get cold. The Ambos arrived about 10 minutes later, pronounced our little Evangeline perfectly healthy, clamped and cut the cord, which had pretty well stopped pulsing now anyway and organised to take us to hospital, which I wanted. We said goodbye to a wary little Abi and a very surprised Auntie and off we went.
So that’s our birth story. Stupendous. Have more to say, but will finish later.
One other thing. Two days before she was born I chose a song for Evie. Nick Cave’s ‘Into my arms’. Appropriate, no?
At exactly 40 weeks, on the 18th of December, I had a craniosacral therapy appointment to get everything pelvic related in tip-top condition for the birth. I didn’t really have any signs apart from my continuing Braxton-Hicks, so I wasn’t expecting anything to happen very soon. At my 40 week midwife appointment the midwife explained that if nothing had happened by my 41 w 3 day appointment they would do a stretch and sweep and then another two days later. I would also be booked into for an induction at 42 weeks, but the midwife said judging from all the Braxton Hicks etc she didn’t think I’d make it to the next appointment anyway.
I still had niggling thoughts that during my hospital stay with Abi I had also had all the same Braxton-Hicks - I’d get a series of them, some quite strong, and then they’d just fade away. I had this superstition that my body just didn’t know how to go into labour and that the same thing would happen with this baby. I realised that I needed to address this kind of thinking so I spent a bit of time each day trying to do affirmations like “My body knows what to do to birth this baby”.
Anyway, at the CS appointment, my therapist said as she was working on my pelvis “Hmm, I’m getting Tuesday. Yes, Tuesday the 22nd, a very powerful number in numerology. I’m going to predict that this baby will come on Tuesday.”
Sounded good to me. Still a few days before Christmas and comfortably both full-term and well away from any need for medical induction. So I decided to focus on that day during my relaxation and visualisation sessions. I hadn’t been doing them every night, but tried to at least every second night. I can’t say I had much faith in the efficacy of this plan, but had nothing to lose by trying.
On Monday night poor DH had a migraine, the last in a long series of illnesses which had been stressing us both as we really needed him to be healthy. He went to bed early and I stayed up watching a movie. I noticed my Braxton Hicks were hanging around and I decided to time them over the course of the movie to see what they did. I worked out they were coming every 8-10 minutes, not particularly strong, but they did continue for the length of the movie. I started to get excited but kept admonishing myself to stay calm, stay calm, it could easily all fade away.
The movie finished and I got into bed with my trusty iPod to listen to music, podcasts, relaxation stuff, whatever would help me stay relaxed as per my Calmbirth class. I kept timing the BH, which I was trying to remember to call surges and they continued at approx 9 minute intervals, sometimes more, sometimes less. Some were starting to feel a bit stronger now, but I managed to doze off sometime after midnight. I discovered the next morning that DH could hear the iPod and was lying there wondering if I was in labour but not wanting to wake him up.
Next morning, surges still there, still around 8 minutes apart and not especially troublesome. I told DH about them and said if he could entertain Abi I would make some cereal and sit on the computer for a while so I could time them. During this time they moved to around 7 minutes apart, but still not completely regular. I was starting to feel them around the back now and was becoming more convinced that yes! this is it! Here I am going into spontaneous labour, whooo! I made breakfast for DH and Abi and then rang mum and dad to let them know what was going on. Mum felt I was in early labour but that it would be a while yet and they would make their way up to our house from their place at the beach, arriving in a couple of hours or so. It was about 9am by this stage, maybe a bit before.
I suggested DH take Abi to the park for a play and I would have a bath. He was a bit worried about leaving me, but they took the car and his phone, so I knew they would get back quickly when I needed them. So off they went and I lay in the bath reading a magazine and excitedly noting that the surges were coming closer together and feeling more intense. Our baby was finally going to make an appearance! I spent about 40 minutes in the bath and then decided to get out and ring my sister who was going to come and help look after Abi.
She was very excited and asked me if I thought she should set off now or when my parents arrived. I thought about it for a while and said, no, she should come now, as I knew it would take her around 45 mins - 1hr to get here. In retrospect I am very glad I said for her to leave straight away...
I got dressed in a glamourous labour outfit of old exercise shorts and a faded black singlet. I then went upstairs to inflate my exercise ball which took a little while and which I kind of wished I’d done the day before, but who knew? I also thought I’d better ring the birth centre to give them the heads up, which I did. The surges were getting stronger now and I found it was most comfortable to get on my hands and knees and rock my pelvis a little bit through them. Still quite managable though, and I started doing my Calmbirth breathing through them, just to keep in practice. The birth centre midwife asked me a few questions about the regularity of the surges (between 4 and 7 minutes at this stage) and said to stay home as long as I was comfortable and to let them know how it was going a bit later.
It must have been about 10am at this stage, maybe a bit before. I went up onto my exercise ball and sat on it for a while, staring out of the window between surges and trying to stay relaxed and focussed. I could really feel the surges right around the back and front now and was having to concentrate to breathe through them, finding it most comfortable if I knelt down and hugged the exercise ball while they were going on.
The surges had settled into a more regular pattern now and I timed a few, noting they were pretty much 4 minutes apart. I was still reasonably comfortable, but I decided to ring DH and ask him to come home - I wanted him around to bring me water and things. He said he’d be right there and I grabbed my iPod with all my special labour music (Leonard Cohen, Tom Waits and Nick Cave - somehow I felt all those deep male voices were what I’d need) and listened to a song or two. After all the trouble I went to to select them all, I think I listened to about four songs altogether.
DH and Abi soon arrived back and DH brought me my specially procured lime water and then asked me what I needed. I told him I’d just continue on my own upstairs until I thought we should go and that Mum and Dad and Lucy were on their way. Back to my friend the excercise ball I went.
I could hear DH and Abi chatting away and playing downstairs. Abi wanted to come and see me, but DH was telling her our new baby was coming and Mummy needed to work very hard for a while. She seemed pretty cheerful about this and I loved hearing her chirpy little voice as I laboured.
By about 10.45 the surges were getting really intense and quite painful. Even leaning over the exercise ball wasn’t helping anymore and I had a few moments of panic about “how bad is this going to get? How am I going to cope? etc etc” This is where the Calmbirth preparation I had done really came into its own. I can’t say it made the pain go away or anything, but it allowed me to pull my mind back to concentrating on one surge at a time and not thinking about what was coming next. I kept doing the breathing, but it wasn’t flowing particularly naturally so I may have stopped thinking about it at that point.
I felt like I needed to be able to relax my legs more and as sitting on the ball felt uncomfortable I remembered hearing that sitting on the toilet was often the most comfortable position so I decided to give that a go. I went downstairs again, passing DH on the way and telling him they were getting pretty painful now and could he please ring my sister to find out where she was. I went and sat on the toilet and it did feel more comfortable, but now things really started getting serious. Pretty soon I started to make a fair bit of noise and DH was getting worried; he told me my sister was about 10 minutes away, which I was very relieved to hear. I told him to ring the birth centre and tell them we’d be coming in soon.
He got on the phone and was relaying questions to me through the door as I refused to leave the small, dark haven of the toilet. I think I was well into transition by this stage and felt totally taken over, but managing to ride the waves and stay ‘in my body’ rather than in my head. I was acting completely instinctively, vocalising when I needed to and getting up and down during surges, holding on desperately to the doorknob. A phrase a friend used about her labour came into my mind - she said it got to a point that she was climbing the walls - and I thought in a lucid moment that that was an excellent description of what was going on.
My poor Abi could hear all of this and became very distressed, I could hear her screaming “Mummy, come out here! Come out here!” and crying and crying. Poor DH was trying to talk to the midwife on the phone, and in the middle of all this I started feeling very pushy. I reached down between my legs and wiped with toilet paper to see that I had finally had a bloody show. Reported this to DH and then on the next push contraction my waters broke.
I can remember the deep, involuntary noises I was making and even there right in the middle of it all I was thinking, ‘wow, so you really can’t stop, it really is all automatic.’ My first induced labour was so different, I never really got to go into my body, I was all in my head with so much fear, and then I had an epidural so I never felt that amazing sensation of my body just taking over and doing everything itself.
I think my sister arrived at that point, I can remember her cheery “Hi!” at the front door and then a shocked silence as she heard what was going on. She quickly took Abi outside and I could hear Abi was immediately fine and chatting away, so that was one stress eliminated. DH had got off the phone at this point and was trying to get me out of the toilet so we could get in the car and go to the hospital. There was just no way I could have done that at that point, he may as well have been suggesting a quick 10km run before setting off.
I had another voice in my head which was my Calmbirth instructor saying “In the case of a precipitous birth, if you feel as though you are pushing and you can’t stop then Do Not Get In The Car. Call an ambulance.” So I called through the door in a break between surges, “the baby’s coming, you need to call an ambulance.” God knows what DH was going through at that point, but he duly called 000 and explained what was going on. I remember I was saying “Oh god, oh no, oh god, oh no” during each surge and just feeling those incredibly powerful pulses as my body pushed.
DH started telling me I had to get off the toilet, as the 000 operator was telling him it wasn’t safe for the baby, perfectly reasonably, who wants to make an entrance via a toilet? I still couldn’t really respond properly and as our toilet is small enough for someone inside to keep their knee against the door, he was completely helpless. I started to get a bit more of a break between surges though, and I realised that yes, I needed to get off the toilet and I opened the door and DH lifted me off the toilet. However I then said “Oh, another one’s coming and got back on the toilet and shut the door in his face, sending him back to ground zero.
I did get off again though and DH was still on the phone, the operator asking if I could feel the head, which I couldn’t at that stage, just softness when I pushed which I remember I was worried about as I thought I should feel the head, remembering how Abi went back and forth for a while before crowning. I got down on my hands and knees, DH went to look for a mirror, couldn’t find one, and when he came back I was in the middle of another big push, felt a stretching I think and then saw and felt a head emerge! I heard DH saying, ‘Oh the baby’s crowned!” and I was impressed by his terminology and I also remember hazily thinking, okay that’s the hard part done. The 000 operator had told him to get me to lie down to slow things down and he was dragging a mattress out, but I said sharply for him to stop, there was no way I was going to lie down. Next surge and push and my little girl slipped into my waiting hands. I saw that she was a girl and she had her eyes open and a look of surprise on her dear little squishy face. She gave a little grumbly cry, nothing like the extended screaming that Abi did, and turned pink so I knew she was okay. Time was abot 11.30, so active labour of an hour and a half.
I was laughing and crying and saying “Look! Look what I did!” and DH was wrapping us up in blankets and towels, as I knew the most important thing was that she not get cold. The Ambos arrived about 10 minutes later, pronounced our little Evangeline perfectly healthy, clamped and cut the cord, which had pretty well stopped pulsing now anyway and organised to take us to hospital, which I wanted. We said goodbye to a wary little Abi and a very surprised Auntie and off we went.
So that’s our birth story. Stupendous. Have more to say, but will finish later.
One other thing. Two days before she was born I chose a song for Evie. Nick Cave’s ‘Into my arms’. Appropriate, no?
Friday, December 25, 2009
To let you all know...
...that on Tuesday the 22nd of December our beautiful daughter Evangeline Flora was born unexpectedly at home at 11.30am. Evie was 3.75 kg at birth and is completely gorgeous.
Am working on birth story of our dramatic little girl now. Hope to post it within the next few days.
Merry Christmas!
Am working on birth story of our dramatic little girl now. Hope to post it within the next few days.
Merry Christmas!
Thursday, December 10, 2009
39 weeks
Today I am 39 weeks pregnant. I remarked to DH this morning that that means there is an actual big baby inside me right now, bigger than Abi when she was born. It's a bit of a weird thought; there's my baby and I don't even know him/her yet. But there he/she is, right there under my skin only centremetres away.
I still feel okay. My pelvic instability is still hanging around and has kind of moved to the front now so it is making rolling over in bed, not to mention heaving myself off Abi's futon, really difficult. I'm sure I've got the old pregnant waddle too and I think maybe the baby has dropped, although not engaged as I can feel the head moving around if I push gently on it. I've become pretty good at the old belly 'palps' since one of the midwives showed me how to find the head during an appointment.
Yesterday was a big day for Abi and I. First we went to my work Christmas party in the morning which was a very nice way to finish the year. Then Abi fell asleep for 10 minutes in the car on the way home and I couldn't transfer her into bed without her waking up, so that was it in the nap department. Bit of a problem because we had our meeting with her kinder teacher yesterday and I wanted her to be in good form.
As it turned out, it was fine. She didn't do anything crazy like talk to her new teacher, but she did make eye contact, wave goodbye and look extremely interested in all the wonderful Montessori activities displayed on the shelves. I know this teacher and school well and I have complete faith in both of them. Very, very sound philosophically and she has been teaching at the same school for 15 years. The school itself is a renovated original little primary school, so it is really charming with lots of light and lovely wooden floors.
DH came too and he loved the centre which I was glad about as he hadn't been there before. We both think she'll do really well there once she settles in, which may take a while. She definitely finds it harder to separate from me than DH, which is something I'm sure I've created - sometimes I think I've built a bit of a negative dynamic between us. DH was shocked when I said that and he thinks it's just that she prefers me to any other person, so if the option's there... Don't know if I entirely agree, but it was lovely of him to reassure me.
I have had quite a few worries about her separating from me at kinder and I spoke to her teacher about it all who reminded me that most separation anxiety stuff will be coming from me, not her. Of course, I totally know that when it's about other people's children, but not mine, obviously! My child is a delicate and unique flower and cannot be treated like other children, dammnit!
So the teacher said that I had to feel completely comfortable and trusting of her and to know that she would take care of Abi, and that Abi would be absolutely fine. I felt so much better after this talk and going to the centre and seeing how quickly Abi relaxed there. I'm sure I"ll still struggle a bit, but I need to trust my girl and know that it is a safe and wonderful place for her in my heart as well as my head.
Anyway, she's not starting until the end of February, so we've got a couple of months yet. I'm really going to miss her, sniff. She'll only be staying for half an hour for the first week anyway and gradually working up to the five full mornings, so I guess the baby and I will just be going for a quick walk around the block or something before going to pick her up. I won't have too much time to pine.
She was very thrilled that she got to pick out a special kinder hat. I was surprised, she picked the one that I thought was the most boring - a navy blue legionnaires cap with the kinder logo on the front. She looks extremely adorable in it though; a real kinder girl. She wanted to wear it today but I told her it was special for kinder, and we hung it up on the hook together.
My house is messy. I should be cleaning it up. I miss my cleaner.
I am also sending love and healing vibes to my beautiful internet friend Averil who just had a baby under less-than-optimal circumstances. Kisses to you and your gorgeous new little one, sweetie.
I still feel okay. My pelvic instability is still hanging around and has kind of moved to the front now so it is making rolling over in bed, not to mention heaving myself off Abi's futon, really difficult. I'm sure I've got the old pregnant waddle too and I think maybe the baby has dropped, although not engaged as I can feel the head moving around if I push gently on it. I've become pretty good at the old belly 'palps' since one of the midwives showed me how to find the head during an appointment.
Yesterday was a big day for Abi and I. First we went to my work Christmas party in the morning which was a very nice way to finish the year. Then Abi fell asleep for 10 minutes in the car on the way home and I couldn't transfer her into bed without her waking up, so that was it in the nap department. Bit of a problem because we had our meeting with her kinder teacher yesterday and I wanted her to be in good form.
As it turned out, it was fine. She didn't do anything crazy like talk to her new teacher, but she did make eye contact, wave goodbye and look extremely interested in all the wonderful Montessori activities displayed on the shelves. I know this teacher and school well and I have complete faith in both of them. Very, very sound philosophically and she has been teaching at the same school for 15 years. The school itself is a renovated original little primary school, so it is really charming with lots of light and lovely wooden floors.
DH came too and he loved the centre which I was glad about as he hadn't been there before. We both think she'll do really well there once she settles in, which may take a while. She definitely finds it harder to separate from me than DH, which is something I'm sure I've created - sometimes I think I've built a bit of a negative dynamic between us. DH was shocked when I said that and he thinks it's just that she prefers me to any other person, so if the option's there... Don't know if I entirely agree, but it was lovely of him to reassure me.
I have had quite a few worries about her separating from me at kinder and I spoke to her teacher about it all who reminded me that most separation anxiety stuff will be coming from me, not her. Of course, I totally know that when it's about other people's children, but not mine, obviously! My child is a delicate and unique flower and cannot be treated like other children, dammnit!
So the teacher said that I had to feel completely comfortable and trusting of her and to know that she would take care of Abi, and that Abi would be absolutely fine. I felt so much better after this talk and going to the centre and seeing how quickly Abi relaxed there. I'm sure I"ll still struggle a bit, but I need to trust my girl and know that it is a safe and wonderful place for her in my heart as well as my head.
Anyway, she's not starting until the end of February, so we've got a couple of months yet. I'm really going to miss her, sniff. She'll only be staying for half an hour for the first week anyway and gradually working up to the five full mornings, so I guess the baby and I will just be going for a quick walk around the block or something before going to pick her up. I won't have too much time to pine.
She was very thrilled that she got to pick out a special kinder hat. I was surprised, she picked the one that I thought was the most boring - a navy blue legionnaires cap with the kinder logo on the front. She looks extremely adorable in it though; a real kinder girl. She wanted to wear it today but I told her it was special for kinder, and we hung it up on the hook together.
My house is messy. I should be cleaning it up. I miss my cleaner.
I am also sending love and healing vibes to my beautiful internet friend Averil who just had a baby under less-than-optimal circumstances. Kisses to you and your gorgeous new little one, sweetie.
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