Happy {belated} birthday to me!

One week ago I turned 39. Eeek! I guess. Can't say I'm too fazed by it right now. I like my life, I like where I am and although looking back I'd do some things differently, mostly I am pretty content. I am disgustingly lucky generally with my husband, daughters, family, friends and work. Character flaws are a work in progress. If I had to list them I'd say my worst traits are laziness, disorganisation and a tendency to take the easy way out. I also over-commit to avoid disappointing people and/or having them think less of me. I'm poor at receiving criticism without getting defensive.

I try to see all these things clearly and aim to improve whenever I notice them. Sometimes feels a bit Sissyphean (sp?) though. Right now I am trying to root out passive-aggression and sarcasm, especially when I post in online forums. I don't do the facebook status thing anyway, and I am aiming to say exactly what I mean whenever I can.

Anyway, my birthday was lovely. My marvellous husband made me delicious garlic prawns and chocolate mousse for dinner and gave me silk pyjamas patterned with pearl necklaces and 2 months worth of yoga classes. He had some other things in mind also, but was stymied by my body giving me the birthday present of my period starting. That means I had an exactly 35 day cycle with a good clear ovulation, which bodes well for later, providing my plans come to fruition...

Don't know on that score yet. I am keeping my promise not to bring it up, and D hasn't either. He's probably hoping I've forgotten about it.

My mum gave me a real pearl necklace which I love. It has a flower and pearl clasp, which I was wanting to symbolise my girls - Abigail Pearl and Evangeline Flora. It's a bit fancier than I was envisaging, but I adore it anyway.

Anyway, going now. We lost our camera, but have just bought another one, so I'm going to post some pics soon.

Ha! Day two of my every day challenge. Am TWF (typing while feeding) though, so may use contracted-sentence-shorthand, okay?

Take-away night! Tonight is DH and my take-away and movie night. It keeps the romance alive, especially as we are watching some mindless action-y type thing tonight. We usually are as we are both usually exhausted and tonight we are also coping with DH's dodgy sinuses.

Mostly our movie nights include a baby/toddler waking up somewhere in the middle and being boobed back to sleep. At least she goes back to sleep now, in the early days she sometimes sat in my lap clapping her way through Wall-E or similar. Actually, for the last few weeks I think she might have forgotten it was Friday, as she has been sleeping for longer.

It's funny, I remember writing a lot about Abi's shitty sleep and what we were trying to do about it. Evie is not as craptacular, but she's no paragon. She still wakes anywhere from two to five times a night and sometimes takes quite a while to settle back down again. I just kind of get on with it now, don't really think about it. I know she'll sleep through eventually, and I don't plan to night-wean her until she's two or so. I'll accept another few years of broken sleep, especially if I have another one...

Did you get that? Yep, another one. I want one. Like, I really, really want one. Just one more. I'm finally getting the hang of this whole mothering thing and I love it more and more. And I want to give birth again.

DH however, does not. In fact, we were discussing contraception stuff and he confided, "if you got pregnant now I'd be so sad". I laid it all out for him; how I'd love another one of our babies, how it's really only the first year that's hard, how much fun it is seeing our two girls interact, how much I adore them etc etc. He is unconvinced. However, he is not insisting on a vasectomy either. I have asked him to just think about it until the end of the year and see if he thinks he can face another one. I've promised not to bring it up and also promised that if he really really can't bear the thought, then I would accept that and accept it without resentment. He is more important, our existing family is more important to me than another baby.

But oh, another baby!

The thing is, I think I look at our girls and think 'they're so beautiful, how could I not want more?'. He looks at them and thinks 'they're so beautiful, why would I want any more?' And then there are all the logistics and realities and there is no doubt that life is just getting easier.

So we'll see. We'll see.

Me me me

Ooooh! Tagged by the lovely Averil!

Which language do you want to learn? . Japanese.

What do you love most about where you currently live? I love the mountains, our gorgeous view, our house, my darling favourite cafe and all the lovely people I've met.

What is your favourite colour? Purple. And red.

What is your favorite piece of clothing in your own wardrobe? Probably the black, stretchy, slightly Art Deco looking dress that I don't think I've worn since before I was pregnant with Abi. Sigh, my life needs more glamour.

Describe your personal style? I try for elegant with a touch of funk.

If you had $300 now, what would you spend it on? Maternity bras. Pretty Hot Milk ones with matching undies.

What are you going to do after this? Clean up the kitchen. Wahoo.

What are your favourite films? I can never answer this question.

Uuummmm, Dead Man Walking, Dances With Wolves, Trust, Truly Madly Deeply, Baz Luhrmans' Romeo and Juliet, Chasing Amy. Just off the top of my head.

Do you collect anything? Not really. I do have a lot of books, but I'm too careless with them to think of them as a Collection.

What makes you follow a blog? Nosiness. It is so much more satisfying reading about real life and there are some fabulous funny and wise women out there in the blogoverse.

Do you like to comment on blogs or just lurk? I try to comment as much as I can but I have so little time and often it has all been said better before I arrive. I'm always so happy to get comments on my own stuff though, I should make more effort.

What’s one thing you dream of doing? Speaking at an international Montessori conference. Hey, dare to dream, right?

What is your biggest regret? Taking so long to work out what I wanted to do and wasting so much time studying and not finishing degrees.

What is your favourite thing to do on a rainy day? Sit in a comfy chair with a book and a cup of tea watching the rain on the mountains.

Do you have a tattoo? No. And I'm glad I didn't get one in my mid-20s when I was seriously thinking about it.

What are you favourite books? Wuthering Heights, Emma, The Bonesetter's Daughter, Brightness Falls, A Suitable Boy, In the Empire of Dreams, Raymond Carver's short story collections, Wild Swans, Daughter of China.

Describe your ideal holiday... Tokyo! With unlimited funds and time. And a side trip to Nikko to stay at this gorgeous Ryokan DH and I stayed at over the New Year in 2001.

I tag Mama Cass

My baby

My littlest one, that is.

I am really trying to enjoy and appreciate properly all the parts of this pregnancy, as it will be my last, all going to plan. Luckily for me, little baby no. 2 is an active little thing and we have many fun games when he/she kicks, I poke back and then more kicks! DH thinks I am imagining things, much like his mum and her psychic cat, but I'm not! We really are playing.

I never really did that with Abi. I must say, it is different being pregnant for the second time. I have a much stronger sense that there is an actual baby in there wriggling around and I definitely feel much more closely bonded to him/her. I'm hoping that will make things easier after the birth as it took at least five or six weeks for me to truly feel as though I loved Abi and that she was mine. It was more like she was a baby I was just looking after for someone else, and I remember distinctly feeling that if someone who would look after her would just come and take her away so I could have my old life back, that would be just fine with me.

Looking back now I wonder if I had a touch of PND. I certainly had some of the symptoms, such as feeling numb about both Abi and DH for quite a while. DH especially, that lasted for ages, on and off. I felt so so alone too and it made me realise how much I need contact with people to be happy.

I don't think the same feelings will resurface after this one is born for lots of reasons. I have mostly made the adjustment to motherhood I think and DH and I are very close again, although not in quite the same way. In lots of ways I think we filled the role of beloved child for each other and when Abi was born she knocked us both out of top spot with the other. As we say to each other now, it's a hard time but we're getting through it together and managing to have some fun along the way, not always entirely child-focussed. Maybe we had too long together on our own before Abi, or maybe most couples go through something similar no matter how long they have been in love.

This was going to be about my little one but is mostly about me...Sorry Precious, better luck next time.

18 week belly shot, birthday fun, scans and more

I ha

ve been meaning to do this entry for a-a-a-ages and if I don't do something soon, it will spiral even further out of control.

First up: 18 week belly shot 2 weeks late

It was my birthday a couple of weeks ago, 37 (eek). I had a lovely time though, in spite of my advanced age. My DDH did a marvelous present-buying task; I received a computer game I love which has just come out, gorgeous Hot Milk maternity/breastfeeding pyjamas and a new iPod to replace the one I drove the car over! All total surprises and all so so welcome. I also got two new pairs of maternity pants and a top from my lovely parents. They are also helping us to buy plane tickets to visit my grandparents on the Gold Coast in October. My friend gave me a beautiful scarf she knitted herself and which magically complements every garment I own. It is some kind of Magic Scarf and I love it.

DH made me my favourite dinner which included yummy chocolate mousse and I also had a day without child in the city. And the fun's not over yet! We had to postpone my family celebration lunch at a fantastic chinese restaurant specialising in dumplings due to illness (Abi's and DH's) so I still have that to look forward to on Saturday the 15th.

Poor second baby deserves more than this lightening recap of his/her 20 week scan, but I guess that's what you get for coming second. We had the scan yesterday and of course I was nervous, especially as it is the first and only one we'll have. But I am pleased and proud to say that everything looks great and normal and spot on for where we should be.

I must admit that I was desperate to find out the sex of this one, but it was not to be. Stubborn little baby kept his/her legs crossed the whole time and the umbilical cord firmly between them. So we are having a surprise, like it or not.

I forgave all though when I saw the adorable 4D part of the scan when he/she put his/her hand in her mouth and then smiled. Really, truly smiled. I'm so in love. We didn't get a 4D section with Abi and I had always poo-poohed them a bit, but now I am a convert.

Must go and make dinner for my whiny child.

Knew it

Which L.M. Montgomery Heroine are You?

I'm Anne, although I had a secret hankering after Emily. Who wouldn't want black hair and purple eyes?

Oooh! I've been tagged by Averil!

1. Where is your mobile phone? Don't have one. Ha! Weren't expecting that, were you?

2. Where is your significant other? Putting our darling child to bed. I can hear her chatting about puppies and the bath as I type.

3. Your hair color? Light brown. It needs a cut.

4. Your mother? Is loving, funny and brave. She's my mothering model and one of my favourite people to spend time with.

5. Your father? Is wise, kind, fair and brilliant. He is the most determined and competitive person I know. Also quite the pessimest, Old Mr Worst-Case-Scenario we call him.

6. Your favorite things? Hmmm, well I do love our new enormous television. How shallow of me. I also love my espresso machine, my Ipod (both gifts from my beloved) and all my books.

7. Your dream last night? I dreamed I left Abi at the park and forgot to tell anyone to look after her and bring her home. Woke in fright to be relieved by the sight of my sweetly sleeping girl on the pillow next to me.

8. Your dream/goal? Right now it's to open my own Montessori child-care centre. Also to raise a happy and healthy family.

9. The room you're in? Our shared study is a small darkish room with a big desk, Husband's books everywhere and an Ukiyo-e print that I love of the Kamo river in Kyoto.

10. Your hobby? Reading, running (well, jogging), talking. Previous hobbies include belly dancing and taiko drumming, just to make me sound more interesting.

11. Your fear? Someone I love dying.

12. Where do you want to be in six years? I want to have completed another degree, either a BEd or a Masters in Education and have started working towards opening my centre. I would love to be a mother of three, but realistically I think it will be two.

13. Where were you last night? Tired, oh so tired after a less-than-perfect day at work. TV helped sooth the pain.

14. What you’re not? As smart as I used to be. My memory has definitely taken a beating since my nightly sleep average plunged dramatically around the time Abi was born (coincidence...?)

15. One of your wish list items? A horse.

16. Where you grew up? In an outer suburb of Melbourne. And here I am in the outers suburbs of Melbourne. How far I've come.

17. The last thing you did? Breastfed my girl her nightly feed and waved her off to bed.

18. What are you wearing? Old ratty tracksuit pants, a black shirt and an almond-oil stained tracksuit top. Hornbag.

19. Your TV? Off.

20. Your pet? A slightly neurotic cat who I forgive everything due to his extreme patience with my daughter. She loves him, but sometimes her love expresses itself in tail-pulling and squeezing.

21. Your computer? Built by my brilliant husband six years ago. Needs replacing.

22. Your mood? Tired. A litle weepy, my period is coming tomorrow.

23. Missing someone? My brother, who is in Rome. A friend in NZ. Other friends I haven't seen for too long. Mothering, working and living so far away is hard on friendships.

24. Your car? Is old and needs washing.

25. Something you’re not wearing? Jewellrey.

26. Favorite store? Borders.

27. Your summer? Smells of sunblock and family.

28. Love someone? My boy, my girl, my family.

29. Your favorite color? The blue of Abi's eyes.

30. When is the last time you laughed? Last night watching the Adventures of Tim

31. Last time you cried? Can't remember. Probably in the middle of one of our bad nights.